Lazy Self-Indulgent Book Reviews

Apr 21, 2014

The Rules of Gender-Variant Chivalry

A high femme must do battle for any androsexual in peril from dragon or Frenchman.

The traditional age for taking up the sigil of gender anarchy and door-opening is seventeen, after four years of apprenticeship under a non-monogendered Master.

…and many, many more

Apr 15, 2014

Secret "Ronbledore" Pages From Harry Potter Finally Released

“Where were you, Ron?” Harry asked. “We’ve got to finish cleaning up before the rest of the Order get back.”

“I’m not Dumbledore,” Ron said quickly. “I’m Ron. And we’re two different people, living in time normally, from back to front, as is our wizard custom.”

“I know,” said Harry. “I know that.”

Ron pulled the purple robes back over his head. “Just out of curiosity, what year is it and also what name do you typically use when referring to me?”

Apr 4, 2014

Coming Out as Trans to the TSA

I love everything about this, but especially how kind and respectful Liam’s interactions with the TSA wound up being. Who would have guessed?

Apr 3, 2014

Misandrist Lullabies

All around the Mulberry Bush,
The monkey chased the weasel.
Lesbianism is an ideological, political and philosophical means of liberation of all women from heterosexual tyranny
Pop! goes the weasel.

Apr 2, 2014

Benedict Cumberbatch: The Alternate Timeline Fan Fiction

This is my masterpiece:

BENEDICT: During the second week of Hamlet, my publicist asked me if I could meet briefly with a fan. It’s a common enough request, and, of course, I dread it. But he said, “look, she’s written a bunch of odd, intrusive, sexual stories about you, and this brilliant, as-yet-unpublished scholarly monograph on two leading pieces of Mystrade fanfic–”

REPORTER: Mystrade?

BENEDICT (waves dismissively): It’s the imagined pairing of Lestrade and Mycroft, it’s the only slash worth reading, it’s brilliant, it makes so much sense.

Mar 31, 2014

Just A Normal Teen: My Best-Selling YA Novel

“I met that girl today,” I told my aunt-mom later that afternoon. “She’s real.” My aunt-mom sighed. “I guess it’s time we finally told you the truth.” She finally told me the truth, and I had to spend some time accepting it. It changed everything I thought I knew. Who could I even trust now?

“The locket I’ve had ever since I was a baby?” I said, wearing my favorite pair of beat-up Converse sneakers. “But what does that have to do with the prophecy?” It turns out, pretty much everything.

“But I don’t have any cousins,” I said. My dad, who I thought had just given up on life after my mom died but it turns out was actually protecting me from a terrible secret, shook his head. “You have more cousins than you could possibly have imagined, and they’re all terrible. You come from a long line of terrible, magical people.”

“But I’m just a regular teen,” I cried. “My room is messy and I like cereal.”

Mar 31, 2014

Dirtbag Anne of Green Gables

[MARILLA’s neighbor RACHEL LYNDE comes to call]
RACHEL: Well, Marilla
I can’t say I think she looks like much, but you always did know your own mind
ANNE [lights a cigarette]: funny
i don’t recall asking you what you thought about a fucking thing

Mar 26, 2014

The Velveteen Rabbit

I cannot…describe what Mallory has done to an already terrifying book:

“Can you take someone else’s Real,” he asked, “or are you stuck getting it on your own?”

The Skin Horse looked at the Rabbit then.

“What I mean is,” the Rabbit said carefully. “If something else was already Real. Could you take it from them, and keep it for yourself.”

“No,” the Skin Horse said, and his voice was a crawling black thing across the floor. “You can’t take Real from another toy.”

But the Rabbit wasn’t finished. “Can you take the Real out of a boy? Can you take his heart in your own self and leave him with a sawdust heart on the nursery floor in your place?”

And the Skin Horse did not say anything.

“I suppose you are real?” said the Rabbit. And the Skin Horse was afraid for the first time in a long time.

Mar 25, 2014

The Gwyneth Paltrow Divorce as a Celebration of LIFE

I never post after work hours, but I am so genuinely happy that these two people are accepting their misery that I had to quote ALL THE MOUNTAIN GOATS AT THEM.

Mar 24, 2014

The 17 Stages of Therapy

We put so, so many Simpsons pics in this post.

Mar 24, 2014

Sorting 19th Century British Novelists Into Hogwarts

Of course Emily Bronte is a Slytherin.

Mar 20, 2014

From Schrödinger’s Cat Speaks, by Helen Craig and Shing Yin Khor.

From Schrödinger’s Cat Speaks, by Helen Craig and Shing Yin Khor.

Mar 20, 2014

this is what's up with my teeth.

bitchesgottaeat:

image

1 i grew up poor. poor people don’t get to take care of their teeth. i’m not telling you anything you haven’t already heard on msnbc. TEETH ARE A MOTHERFUCKING LUXURY.

2 because of the crohn’s disease, i do not absorb calcium and vitamins very well. calcium and vitamins are necessary for…

Look, Sam Irby is a national treasure, give her some money to fix her teeth.

Mar 19, 2014

A Linguist Explains What Old-School British Accents Sounded Like

Our in-house linguist explains how the British came to sound the way they do, and how the Americans didn’t really change a bunch! But using hot pics of Ichabod Crane.

Mar 5, 2014

Taking Boudoir Photos With My Mom: A Fortunate Accident

I cannot overstate how this is both hilarious and oddly touching. BEWARE of Living Social photography packages!