February 2012
45 posts
I've Given It Some Thought
And I think I would agree to play a constipated lady in an Activia commercial just to meet Jamie Lee Curtis.
The World's Most Confusing Conversation
…is what occurs when it gradually becomes clear, over the course of a Dadaist five minutes, that your husband has Kate Upton and Kate Middleton mixed up.
For future reference: Kate Middleton is certainly not dating Mark Sanchez. No one from Victoria’s Secret has been talking trash about her. Kate Upton does not have a balding husband. No one has airbrushed the top of Kate...
The 2008 Adaptation of Sense and Sensibility
Dan Stevens (Cousin Matthew!) does not really work as Edward Ferrars, because he is so dishy in the role I can’t handle it. Which is funny, because obviously Hugh Grant was Emma Thompson’s Edward Ferrars, but I just find Stevens adorable, which is so un-Ferrars.
A question about the plot, however! So, obviously, Edward’s thick younger brother is given Edward’s fortune...
And Now, a Downton/30 Rock Parallel
(spoilers)
Dr. Clarkson = Dr. Spaceman
“Oh, I know I said you’ll never walk or have sex again, but I just made that up. What you WILL have is a nasty bruise on your spine!”
“Humans need more animal blood; it keeps the spine straight.”
Curious George
I had not remembered how bleak George’s origin story was! Oh, let’s just capture a happy baby monkey and stick him on a boat and expect him to behave!
Thanks, Man With The Big Yellow Hat.
I mean, it’s no Babar, at least.
A Story About Leonard Cohen
(Sparked by this Longform piece.)
About fifteen years ago, an acquaintance of mine was graduating from a Canadian university, and was thrilled to learn that Leonard Cohen, accepting some kind of honourary something, would be present at the diploma ceremony.
And, being obsessed with Leonard Cohen, when they called her name she walked up, boring holes into his eyes with hers, attempting to...
Honestly.
I don’t even like the Stella McCartney body-con dress. To me, it’s like the high-fashion variant of those oversized novelty t-shirts with the bikini torso on them.
My V-Day Interview With Whitley and Anne Strieber →
…is at The Hairpin, and I am irrationally fond of it, so go read!
This Is Not My Best Attachment Parenting
Lazy: Hey, how about having that nice teenager from my old barn babysit for us on weekend nights occasionally?
Industrious: Sure! She was a sweetie.
Lazy: And totally reliable. I would trust her to look after Bella!
(pause)
Industrious: You are proposing that we leave our four-month old baby with someone that you would PROBABLY feel comfortable asking to look after your horse?
Lazy...
You Know, If You Keep Working On the Downton-Gone...
Lavinia = Melanie
Matthew = Ashley
Mary = Scarlett
Sir Richard = Rhett (WEAK)
Edith = Suellen
Sybil = Careen
And then, obviously, it’s not super-great after that, but, still, though!
Edit:
Daisy = Prissy
Do You Know About the Downton Abbey Fan Fiction?
DO YOU?
So, in a tremendous tragedy, we did not realize that last night’s episode was going to be TWO HOURS LONG (not complaining!) and totally crashed at the ninety minute mark, so I watched the rest of it this morning in my jammies. And I have already talked about it, so you can read that post whenever.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, in a fit of absolute bloody genius, I googled “Downton Abbey...
Last Night's Downton Abbey
(SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS)
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.
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Oh, my God, the MINUTE the first character sniffled, hand-to-God, I screamed SPANISH FLU AND THEY’RE GOING TO KILL LAVINIA!
To be fair, I also screamed AND MAYBE SIR RICHARD BECAUSE THAT MAN IS NO GOOD.
Lavinia, by the way, is a classic Melanie Hamilton Wilkes, no? No one is LIKE that, guys. And, to be fair, although I find myself rooting for...
Buffyverse Vampires and Criminal Liability →
“The character of Angel is (almost) unique among vampires. Through various means throughout Buffy and Angel, his human soul is restored, lost, and restored again. In his human-souled state, he is called Angel; his demonic form is called Angelus. Angel feels remorse for the terrible deeds of Angelus and works to set things right. Does this change anything? From a legal perspective,...
A Theory About IFC
Do you ever wonder if IFC exists differently on a metaphysical level for each viewer? Like, for me, it shows Portlandia and Arrested Development and Kids in the Hall reruns because that’s how I need to perceive the world, but maybe that’s not what everyone sees? Like when you’re stoned in high school and someone is all “what if MY blue isn’t YOUR blue, you...
If I Had My Druthers
I think I would buy Watership Down (the land, not the book rights) from Andrew Lloyd Webber, pack up my horse and my family, and just futz around being rural and reading for the indeterminate future. Now, sadly, Bella needs a handful of Xanax and a glass of red wine in order to navigate the outdoors without going postal - she’s the most agoraphobic horse ever created - but I bet she would...
Mixed Morning at the Barn
Bella was an absolute doll under saddle today, and I gave her a candy cane as a treat while we were untacking; she’s on a lifetime equine variant of the Atkins Diet because of her genetic condition, but when you weigh 1200 lbs, getting a candy cane once a month isn’t going to upset the apple cart. So, anyway, I was the World’s Best Horse Mommy in her eyes for at least twenty...
Why William Langewiesche is the Greatest
I re-read Langewiesche’s long-form non-fiction magazine work constantly, just to watch it work, even the unbelievably depressing stuff like his extraordinary account of the Columbia space shuttle disaster. And, on my latest re-read, I really appreciated his ability to make his technical aviation background accessible and compelling. Honestly, isn’t this phenomenal?
For all its...
The Thorn Birds!
Classic Trash is happening right now.
Four Days
That’s how long I’ve been singing ‘Babies work hard for the money! So hard for the money! Babies work hard for the money so you better treat them right!’
Jesus Christ. I need a new song. Even the baby is all ‘okay, a living wage for babies, great. Do you have anything about an itsy bitsy spider?’
O, Rilly?
Dangerous fruit orgies destroy placid Weight Watchers meetings! Some question whether fruit is deadly!
“You know how it is with a cookie — you want six cookies,” she said. “When you finish a banana, you don’t say, ‘Gosh, I want another banana.’ ”
Speak for yourself, lady. Have you ever blended the shit out of three frozen bananas and added a dash of vanilla extract? Baby, you’ve got a...
Suck It, Homophobes!
I love political issues in which I have absolutely not a smidgen of respect or pity for people on the other side. It’s so much tidier, you know?
If you think your marriage is threatened or demeaned in any way by legalized same-sex marriage, you are just plain ignorant.
Anyway, mazel tov, gay Californians. And everyone else, because, really, this is good news for all Americans who actually...
The Weird Story in the Times Today About Illegally...
I’m kind of glad the journalists illegally taped the guy (not saying I SUPPORT it, though, you know, Claude Lanzmann), because I found this statement fascinating:
Heinrich Boere: If I’m in jail or in here (a nursing home), when you’re as old as I am, it doesn’t matter. I heard they have television sets in jail. What else do I want? There’s nothing left here for me, this is also a...
Don't Do This, Home Builders!
First up, I don’t even like dimmer switches. If you’re not paying attention, you think you’re having a seizure, and I just find their usage aggravating in general. It’s a personal quirk. Turn the light on, or off. You want a midrange option, buy some candles and feature it. BOOM. DONE.
Anyway, when we moved into our house, literally every single light had a dimmer switch....
Walter Farley Lied to Me
Reading the Black Stallion books to baby, I realize we were sold a delightful bill of goods. First up, ain’t no purebred Arabian horse that tall. Not a chance. Nor is there an Arabian who’s gonna beat modern Thoroughbreds in ten furlongs.
And then, right, I’m pretty sure the Jockey Club isn’t registering those foals. You can’t even do embryo transfer, let alone...
As a Well-Known Kennedy Hater
I am obviously completely stoked to read this trashy new memoir. Perhaps I will enjoy it almost as much as Ronald Kessler’s “The Sins of the Father,” which, although delightful, does accuse Joe Kennedy of killing a young woman who is actually still alive.
And even I can’t really hold him responsible for THAT.
On Being an English Major and Fears for the Next...
I spent my childhood completely entranced by reading.
I got into an Ivy, became an English major, then promptly worked at a hedge fund after graduation because I was a foreigner and no jobs in publishing/books have any interest in getting you a work visa. Also, those jobs don’t pay you anything anyway. And not grad school, because I didn’t think I had enough to say to justify further...
Nerdy TV Game We Play
(Downton spoilers!)
Industrious and I do a fair amount of “okay, now what Buffy episode am I thinking of?” when we watch other television shows, because Buffy was on long enough that there’s always a Buffy parallel to be made.
And last night, on Downton, classic example.
We have the burn victim guy, who’s cleeeaaaarlllly an imposter, and we were afraid everyone would be...
Smooth Move, Ferguson
Generally, if you decide you want to have a baby-dance-party to “Walking on Sunshine,” I advise that you first make sure your particularly surly cat is not trying to sleep under your quilt four inches away from the computer.
Or, God help you, the face you will get when she emerges.
Looking for a Book, Need Help
Okay, hivemind. Children’s book, young man blah blah time travel, accident, winds up in Camelot, mother accidentally follows, she never really figures out it’s real and keeps wondering when they’re serving the cream tea.
Anyone?
Edit: It exists, I’m trying to track it down, cannot remember title.
Edit Two: It’s not The Castle in the Attic
Edit Three: It’s...
The Embarrassingly Complete Lazy Baby Library
Lazy - “I bought the children’s books for Amelia today.”
Industrious - “Great! Which ones?”
Lazy - “…all of them.”
There are still some holes to fill in, but I think we’ve made a good start, considering she’s four months old.
Eight Cousins, Louisa May Alcott
Jo’s Boys, Louisa May Alcott
Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
Rose...
God Bless You, Internet
Do you ever find yourself googling Tina Fey’s husband, because, well, they seem so happy, and then you find there’s a Fuck Yeah Jeff Richmond appreciation blog on Tumblr?
Bella The Wonder Mare
Her mare buddy, V, moved up from Sandy to train at her winter barn for a few months, so Bella did her most fanatical “V! V! V! Remember me? Remember me? We’re friends! We’re friennnnnnds!”
V, being the cool girl in class, was all “Oh, hey, Bella. Long time no see. What happened to your face?”
Bella, not being bright enough to make up a good story about fox...
The First Four Years, Laura Ingalls Wilder
Faithful readers remember that I frequently rail against Almanzo Wilder’s mediocre qualities as a husband.
Don’t get me wrong, kids, he was AWESOME as a sweetheart. He had horses, he walked her home from church, he picked her up at that horrible boarding house. He only BRIEFLY floated that threesome-with-Nellie option, and was mad respectful when Laura told him to step off.
But, like...
That's...One Theory
(watching 30 Rock)
Industrious: Who were those two?
Lazy: Are you serious? Sheryl Crow and Adam Levine.
Industrious: I know who Sheryl Crow is, but, uh, did Avril Lavigne transition, or something? I feel like I would have read about that.
(He doesn’t really follow the popular music.)
This Whole Thing About the Selflessness of...
…is a total crock. For starters, no one in this whole country ever really does anything they don’t want to do (even if just because the alternatives are shittier, i.e. horrible job > debtor’s prison), which includes being a parent. (Obviously there are loads of accidental pregnancies, but ain’t nobody accidentally parenting.) So, you know, you’re signing on...
The Best Part of Having a Baby
They seem to genuinely prefer your rendition of “Defying Gravity” to Idina Menzel’s.
Les Cousins Dangereux
Yes, I am rewatching Arrested Development. As one does!
I always find it kinda funny when people wig out about cousin marriage. Now, don’t get me wrong, it certainly doesn’t appeal to me, but it’s also not remotely something that needs to be illegal.
For one, it’s pretty weird, so it’s not exactly gonna open the floodgates of forbidden love. I don’t know about...
Thank You, Universe
Ski friend of husband’s - ‘And, Lazy, you’re like, what, 35?’
Lazy (new mother, making coffee, underslept) - ‘I am TWENTY NINE, you jag.’
Ski friend (wants to die, craves death, knows there is no solution) - ‘Fuck.’
Edit: Note that I did not say ‘guess my age, random man in my kitchen!’ He then backpedalled with ‘But, um, your...
Useless Fact
John Belushi’s widow was college roommates with Suze Orman.
January 2012
44 posts
The Only Real Problem With the New Season of 30...
Alec Baldwin’s new hair dye. Reddish? All wrong for his skin tone. He should have a classic salt-and-pepper look.
Am I The Only One?
Who assumed that Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole was a fictional movie created purely for that 30 Rock episode where Liz and Carol break up?
Because, not only is it completely real, it has the single most complex plot of any movie I’ve ever seen summarized on Wikipedia.
A small excerpt from the SECOND PARAGRAPH of said summary:
There, Soren meets an Elf Owl named...
What Can You Do?
As a ridiculously over-sensitive child, I vowed that I would never expose my children to things that might irrationally sadden them and give them unjustifiable separation anxiety.
And then, of course, I’m puttering around the house this morning with her in the Ergo (she’s only now tolerating being in a baby carrier, which Dr. Sears PROMISED all babies loved, but Dr. Sears is totally...
Portlandia
Sometimes I have to stop watching endless clips of Portlandia and go read the Economist, because I’m afraid I’m right on the verge of going to clowning school and getting ear gauges. Not necessarily in that order.
I also can’t decide if the Obama ad that accompanies the end of several of the clips is good use of campaign funds or not. On one hand, people who watch Portlandia...
No, Seriously Though, About X-Men First Class
(spoiiiiiiiiilers)
I was completely terrified, the whole movie, that they wouldn’t let Magneto waste Kevin Bacon. That he’d decide to show him mercy, or Charles would talk him down. The idea was so offensive to me. I wanted the sword of righteous vengeance to fall. And so I was very pleasantly surprised that it went down the way it did. Perfect wish fulfillment.
I guess I knew, based...