May 2013
The Last Thing I Will Say About the New Rob...
Because it’s not even OUT yet, so you can’t read it, and that’s unbelievably frustrating.
But it had just been good, until I got to the chapter about the Beatles. And I care more about the Beatles than basically anyone else (and have Paul tix for June, after many years of not admitting I loved Paul, and being a grouchy John person instead) except my bestie, because that is why...
“A slut is merely a human female that is constantly in heat, yet has no interest...”
– This is pretty much the Platonic Ideal of the Salon comment.
WatchOkay, here’s the baby and I fighting over the new Rob Sheffield memoir. Did you read “Love Is a Mix Tape”? Terrible title, great book. Well, the new one is “Turn Around Bright Eyes,” and I’m enjoying it. Not as much as “Love Is a Mix Tape,” because that book is crazy, crazy good, but this one is also great, and he describes the experience of being...
On Street Harassment
I feel shitty about how I deal with street harassment. Which is, generally, to smile and say apologetically, “I’m married!”
I’ve found this is the best way to ensure no one calls me a cunt in public, but, obviously, it’s also doing a disservice to the community. The implication being, of course, that were I not married, I would absolutely give my number to random men...
“…at this point in my life I’m powerfully aware that there isn’t an...”
– Claire Messud
“Raising a child is like taking care of someone who’s on way too many...”
– Ron Funches
My Game of Thrones Male Hotness Analysis →
tl;dr, they can all get it.
“The author explored Brooklyn, which is now a byword for cool from Paris to the...”
– Really? I mean, I like Brooklyn, but I seriously do not think there are people in Beirut right now thinking “man, Red Hook is really where it’s happening.”
Bitches Gotta Eat is Incredible
On why she’s not having kids:
1 you can watch whatever you want on television. i watched that ass-eating episode of GIRLS in real time at full volume. you know why? because i didn’t have to wait for my seven-year-old to stop faking like he was asleep before sneaking out of his room to watch his mom look at some titties.
April 2013
Ran Into a Puppy in the Park Yesterday
A thirteen-week-old German Shepherd, which is totally my Kryptonite. And, of course, the baby’s. Her first word was “doggie,” and she is completely obsessed with dogs, and kisses them on the mouth if allowed, and when our friend’s massive golden came over, she wrapped her little body around his and wouldn’t let go.
So when we met Foster, the aforementioned GS puppy,...
My Cat Is Getting...Nicer
She’s about…hm…four years old now? And she’s always been kind of an asshole, but recently she’s been really friendly and snuggly, and, to be honest, it’s freaking me out.
What is she planning?
Here Is Someone Being Wrong on the Internet
“Another comment I hear a lot towards large families is about population control… I’m sory but there are definately preferrable ways to control the human population than limiting the number of kids you have.”
Well, I guess you could murder people? Or maybe she means you could just limit the number of kids that OTHER people have? Because otherwise, I’m coming up...
Many Thanks
…to all of you who have sent me such thoughtful and detailed responses to my feedback call. Each and every one of them gave me something to think about, including ones that were, like, “that one with the picture of the horse should have been on your Tumblr instead,” because, well, yeah, probably you’re right! Also, I just visited Jezebel a few days later, and they had that...
Only 1 in 10 Americans Would Have Sex With a...
I am surprised that that is not the headline. Who wouldn’t have sex with a robot? I already do, it’s made by the Japanese and shows no sign of becoming sentient and turning us into an organic energy source. Obviously our great-grandchildren will have sex with really incredibly gifted robots, and I’m happy for them. Just this morning, I thought “I wish the Michael Fassbender...
That Scene in Prometheus (mild spoilers)
Where Fassbender is talking to the bummed-out super hot male scientist who is all whiny because they have only found a alien structure and a dead alien and a gorgeous mural? But no one has shown up to say: “hi! I am God! You are my favorite!”
I’m like, oh, I’m so sorry! I can see how disappointing it must be for you to have only made the single greatest discovery in the...
Daisy Razor Has a Friday Bargain Bin!
WITH OWLS. I’ve been naked and un-made-up since Jane left, but now I have owls, at least.
Interview With a Bedbug →
There are no pictures of bedbugs in this post.
And If You No Longer Read The Hairpin
I would love to talk to you about that! Could you tell me which posts you used to really like? What things do you not like? I’m nicole dot cliffe at gmail dot com. You do not have to email me, but if you have some downtime, I’m really interesting in giving the site a booster shot. And if your answer is “I find you, personally, grating,” that’s okay too. I can...
You Read The Hairpin, Right?
I have a new books post there. Reading The Hairpin is a great way to signify that you are a woman who is both fun and cool, but also vulnerable and self-aware and smart enough to like challenging books, but also dorky enough to watch Doctor Who and Sherlock and post music videos you loved in the late 1990s. And you care about social justice, and your feminism is intersectional. Or, right, that...
On Fear as the Mind-Killer →
In which I talk about dangerous hobbies and having very mildly disordered eating and exercise habits.
Home Alone
Industrious is out of town for a couple of days, and I am lost. I don’t even know when to go to bed. Last night for dinner I ate a bunch of caramel pull-apart rolls my friend brought over, and five slices of bacon. It turns out I’m not really an adult without witnesses.
And So It Begins
Just saw that idiotic new Pro-Glide commercial in which Kate Upton and other attractive young women inform the male viewers about how purchasing an item to assist with manscaping all body hair below their eyelashes will improve their chances of bedding a sexy lady, and Industrious was all “oh, my God, what the hell?” and I was all “welcome to the last two hundred years of...
Ski to Live
So, I am now two days out from the end of my Zen ski camp, and it’s been hard to shake. So hard, in fact, that I spent about two hours Facebook chatting with another attendee, and had two other attendees who extended their stay over to the house for dinner last night, with plans to meet up to ski on Wednesday.
For me, the difference in my skiing (without having received a single piece...
March 2013
The Great Book Purge of 2013
Guys, I need to unload some books. There is a book donation box in every grocery store parking lot in Utah, which is amazing and heartening, but I thought I’d give away some to readers. Some are just review copies of novels I have never had the time to get to, some are doubles of books I love, and here are the ones I’d like to go to a good Tumblr reading home. Message me your address...
The Seed Is Strong
Industrious and I are both sleepers. We sleep a lot. We’re pretty into it. Lifelong, committed sleepers.
And, now that the baby is 17 months old, she’s demonstrating an interest in following in our footsteps on this front. I mean, she’s always been a hell of a sleeper. It wasn’t great for breastfeeding success, because she would have cheerfully starved to death and kept...
Telling Tegan and Sara Apart →
Excerpt:
Tegan is the one who if the two of you were staying in a hotel together and you realized there was something wrong with the room but didn’t really want to make a big deal out of it with the staff, because you’re not that kind of person, she’d go down and get the room switched but in such a way that didn’t put anyone out or make anybody uncomfortable.
Sara is the...
“Australians are not known for their deference to the moneyed. I once worked as a...”
– The New Yorker, reminding us that Australians are wonderful.
In Which I Discuss Every Song From the 1982... →
5. Sandy (Aileen Quinn & the Orphans)
“Sandy” is a GREAT song. Despite being stupid. Who gives a shit what you call the dog? Your time would be better spent coming up with a better dog-disguise than tossing a sheet over him. The best part of “Sandy,” right, is the little blonde orphan with real singing abilities busting out: “ROOOOOOOOOVERRRRR, WHY NOT THINK IT...
Mallory Ortberg Has Arrived
…and has made the mistake of admitting she has never watched “Annie” (1982). Happily, tomorrow is only a day away, and I have that motherfucker on Blu-Ray.
The local middle school (to which we have no affiliation) is putting on “Annie” during her visit, and I seriously want to be the two lady bloggers pregaming a middle school “Annie” and dressing to the...
“…and the Vatican press office highlighted other shows of modesty and lack...”
– The New York Times (humility: your press office is doing it wrong)
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
Dear Prudence, In the summer of 2011 my wife and I purchased a top-of-the-line Jopen vibrator. We used it a few times and were just beginning to really integrate it into our sex lives when my wife died suddenly of a heart attack. (The vibrator had nothing to do with that.) Now, more than a year later, I’ve begun to date again. I’ve met a woman with an open mind, and I’m thinking...
The Logical End Point of my Law and Order: SVU... →
5. Record only if filmed prior to Detective Elliot Stabler’s sudden off-screen departure from the series at the beginning of Season Thirteen.
6. Record only if Detective Elliot Stabler holds a victim against his chest in a gesture of warm, paternal sympathy.
7. Record only if Detective Elliot Stabler is wearing a white sleeveless t-shirt that shows one or more of his tattoos.
I Have Friends Who Root For a Progressive Pope
But I am conflicted; I do not think the institutional Church is a force for good in the world. I think that many, many good people identify as Catholics, and I think they continue trudging along under the banner of the Church, cringing when the Church criminally discourages condom use or uses their alms to pay lawyers to cast aspersions on the character of people who accuse them of molestation,...
The Americans
Are you watching it? I usually just see “featuring Margo Martindale” and sign up automatically, but I have been pleasantly surprised by the quality.
To be fair, the concept is so great that I would be horrified if a network had thrown it away on bad production values and mediocre actors, but “The Americans” has really exceeded my expectations.
Also, if you enjoy watching...
A Great Cause →
I only met Caleb a few times, but he was a lovely man, and his friends (he had so many people who loved him) have organized an amazing memorial tribute for him. If you’re in New York at the end of April, enjoy local history and long walks, and do not much like cancer, please consider joining them.
When you’re ninety, and you’re only sick for a month, everyone says it’s a...
Rowr!
I’ve been strength-training really aggressively this year, and in a completely non-appearance-based update, I went skiing today (we live in the mountains but between work and baby I haven’t gotten up much yet this season) and realized I’m overpowering my old set-up and need to actually buy heavier, stiffer skis to compensate.
I didn’t even notice until I warmed up and got...
Entering year five of my attempt to get Industrious to admit that Justin Timberlake has talent. SNL has helped, “Suit and Tie” has not. Marrying Jessica Biel helped a tiny bit, but did drastically downgrad his opinion of Jessica Biel. And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past, she says without rechecking the quotation.
Smooth Criminal
So, I was in New York a couple of weeks ago, for about 24 hours, and I was wearing my favourite, favourite dress, and I was a little early for lunch, so I stepped into a Banana Republic because I hadn’t seen their Mad Men line yet, and I love looking like I’ve been sewn/poured into clothes, which is basically their entire Mad Men line, so I tried on one dress, felt meh about it,...
Something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently, and planning to explore (and encourage other people to explore! submissions at thehairpin dot com), is the question of growing to admire your female peers instead of envying them. The moment when you see other young women writing good and interesting and successful things and can become genuinely happy and engaged by their work, and not...
The Single Nicest Thing About Having This Kid
…is how good Industrious is at being her dad. He tells everyone that he thought he’d be horrible at it, having had a crummy dad himself, and never having enjoyed spending time with kids, and the two of them are in this perfect, beautiful, otherworldly love. I wake up with her, and within half an hour she runs to the nursery door and says “dadadadadadada” until I go upstairs...
Do you have have that thing where you hear about something on the internet and just assume it’s really great and don’t bother to see it so you can finish going through your feeds? I’m absolutely convinced that the “Breaking Bad reimagined as 1990s family show” video is amazing, but here I am, continuing not to click through.
The only thing that ever makes me question two decades of atheism is how sexy Chris Meloni ls when he’s saying the twenty-third or twenty-fourth variation on “this perp makes me sick.”
“The foolish sayings of a rich man pass for wise ones.”
– Just now, from Ice-T on Law and Order: SVU. And, you know, the Spanish proverb, but Ice-T really brought a lot of nuance to the phrase.
My great dream is to say, “follow the money,” then turn up the collar on my trenchcoat and walk away in the rain.
I Cannot Wait to Read This →
John Green reviewed Rainbow Rowell’s “Eleanor & Park” for the Times, and it’s a rave.
Tweets I Have Made About Bradley Cooper in a...
“Like, no pressure, white men, but you should look more like Bradley Cooper than you usually do. In exchange for the privilege thing.”
“I mean, I can say these things, because Steve looks kind of like Bradley Cooper, because that is what white guys should ideally look like.”
“If you ran into Bradley in the wild, you would not say “oh, well, you’re...
