December 2010
Those Amish Romances, People Who Probably Aren't...
Um, what? I just sort of realized this was a thing. There are, like eighty of these fuckers, and Time Magazine did a trend piece about them in Spring 2009. What’s going on? Do the characters hump? I’m legitimately confused.
OH MY GOD, THE CHARACTERS HAVE FUNKY PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH ACCENTS.
BRING IT.
Like her fellow chroniclers of the Amish, Lewis proves that it isn’t ...
Look, it's been literally hours since my last 1894...
DEAL WITH IT.
Lilian Maud - You should send the boa to a furrier, to be properly baked.
Pensee - The patron saint of boys is St Nicholas, for whom the Dutch name is Santa Klaus. It is recorded of him that he restored to life some children who were murdered by an innkeeper of Myra and pickled in a pork-tub.
Daisy Bell - Why do our girls continually ask questions that have been so often...
bluelightseven asked: Thanks for the follow! I hesitate to even ask this, for two reasons, but have you attacked the literary nightmare that is Twilight yes? Hesitation because, first, ew, Twilight, and second because there's every chance you've already reviewed it, but in the spirit of laziness, it's easier to just ask.
That sentence had a lot of commas.
That sentence had a lot of commas.
itsfrantastic asked: Thanks for the follow! I think I am very quickly falling in love with you between the reviews and the SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH omg.
Anyway--have you ever written anything about Catch-22?
Anyway--have you ever written anything about Catch-22?
Eat This, Not That! Thousands of Simple Food Swaps...
FUCK YOU, I’LL EAT WHAT I WANT. Also, Baskin-Robbins got rid of its Heath Bar Shake because of these fascist hobgoblins, so they basically have blood on their hands.
Eat whatever the hell you feel like eating, when the caldera at Yellowstone goes, we’re all dead anyway.
hollywoodfetus asked: I see that you have reviewed 2 of Jon Krakauer's books. Why not Into the Wild? Is it because that kid's arrogance made you want to stab your eyeballs out? No? Just me?
“If you call me, and I don’t answer, it’s not that I hate you. ...”
– Me, just now.
The Real Thing, Tom Stoppard
This is my favourite Tom Stoppard play, possibly because I am too fucking lazy to sit through ALL NINE HOURS of “The Coast of Utopia,” also, because Billy Crudup was in it when I was thinking of going, and the Lazy Book Reviewer is TEAM MARY-LOUISE PARKER ALL THE WAY, even though Billy Crudup is super sexy and kind of reminds her of (squee) Timothy Olyphant, who is just five pounds too...
The Book of Negroes, Lawrence Hill
This fucking ATE UP the Canadian bestseller and awards lists, but it hasn’t really cracked the States yet (YET, mind you). BE THE FIRST ON YOUR BLOCK TO READ A CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED AND SPRAWLING SAGA OF A FEMALE WEST AFRICAN SLAVE TURNED FAMOUS AND INTELLECTUALLY COMPLEX BRITISH LOYALIST.
Oh, right. You don’t call them “Loyalists” here. You call them “filthy...
ochhanvarsaarg asked: If you show your approval of a post by pressing the "like"-button, do you love the post if you reblog it?
November 2010
carlcandraw asked: thanks for the follow...which is probably more than Jesus ever said
“There are officially too many of you for me to sift the wheat from the chaff...”
– Me, just now.
You've been SHAMED!
…by an 1894 advice columnist.
Natacha - Your question is only fit for a doctor’s ear, in private, not for an answer in a public periodical.
Ingleboro - 1. The poem written at seventeen is better than that written at twenty years of age. 2. You should ask one of your old instructors for a manual on the subject.
“We Two” should avoid games that bring them into close...
You've Been Served!
…by an 1894 advice columnist.
Troubled Conscience - You are not “free to make any vows” as a young girl and under your father’s roof and care, with the sole exception of one to be obedient to your parents, and to serve your heavenly Father by doing your duty to those whom He has placed over you, to be honoured and obeyed. Your vows of only eating one help of vegetables,...
It's The Lazy Reviewer Clip Show! PERIODICALLY...
Many of you are shiny and new today. Thanks, Tumblr Staff Recommendation! In your honour, here are some Greatest Hits so you don’t have to go through every single entry and get fired from your important NASA jobs (though you should totally go through every single entry, because I am SO FUNNY):
The Real Thing, Tom Stoppard
Little Girls In Pretty Boxes, Joan Ryan
The Lazy Reviewer...
Disgusting 1894 Recipes, REALLY OLD DEAD PEOPLE
Yeah, I was going to just do one 1894 post a day, but then I wanted to share some more, and I was all, WAIT, I’m SELF-INDULGENT, I’m not just lazy, you know? So, suck it!
One would assume the following recipes were meant to overcome the GREAT SHELLFISH SHORTAGE OF 1894, but, apparently, these chicks just couldn’t cook for shit.
Mock Crab - A quarter of a pound of cheese,...
THE GIRL'S OWN ANNUAL, REALLY OLD DEAD PEOPLE
PART ONE
So, for, like, twenty bucks, I acquired this Bible-sized 1894 copy of what chicks read before “Teen Vogue” happened.
So, you know, I thought it would be rad to periodically share snippets of their “Answers To Correspondents” with you BECAUSE IT IS EVEN BETTER THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE. You think E. Jean can be harsh? Whoever answered this column (THIS IS AS...
The Lucky Shopping Manual: Building and Improving...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHHAHAHHAAHA
HHAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHA!
Okay, I feel better. You guys? I can’t shop for shit. On a daily basis, it’s jewel tone tees, these two Twilight shirts from Walmart with Taylor Lautner on them, and dark-wash jeans. So, I’ve developed three strategies for when I need REAL CLOTHES.
STRATEGY ONE: I bought this book. FUCKING...
LET ME TELL YOU HOW THIS STEPHEN KING SHIT IS...
Thank you to everyone who weighed in, especially Nathan Oliver and Danny Dougherty.
CHECK IT.
Next week. Monday through Friday. KING WEEK.
This is not an ironic week. He is a fucking talented craftsman. Have you even fucking read “ON WRITING”? IT IS LIKE “BIRD BY BIRD” BUT LESS FUCKING TWEE, YOU KNOW?
I will review every individual novel. I will review the...
THE OTHER "GIFT OF FEAR" THING
Part One is here, obviously.
Ohhhh my favourite!
So, if you’re getting crazy letters, or voicemails, from, like, an ex-boyfriend, or someone you’ve canned, and you want the communications to stop, DO NOT RESPOND. DO NOT RESPOND AT ALL. NOT EVEN TO SAY “STOP CALLING ME.”
Because if he writes you sixty-two letters, and then you say “GOD, psycho, leave me...
The Gift of Fear, Gavin De Becker
Yeah, so, De Becker is clearly a self-aggrandizing borderline-nutjob, but I sure do love this book, and I bet that if I worked in personal security, I’d probably be a little paranoid too. Also, if I protected Olivia Newton-John from danger, I would talk about it all the time.
It’s full of DELIGHTFUL AND TERRIFYING ANECDOTES about people being kidnapped and blown up with letter bombs...
Question
I’m sort of working on this MEGA POST which will force-rank every single Stephen King novel ever written, but now I’m wondering if they shouldn’t be individual posts, with just “#6 of 898947362” at the top. Thoughts?
Also, Jesus, there’s a point at which you become too prolific, and a point at which one thinks “why on earth did I read ‘The Dark...
YOUNG MEN AND FIRE, NORMAN MACLEAN
Let’s get serious, for a minute. Because this is the greatest and best book in the entire world. If you’re going to pay attention to any of my recommendations, it’s this one, and “Meg: A Novel of Deep Terror.”
If JUST ONE of you says, “oh, I loved that movie of his book, the one with Brad Pitt,” I’m going to get really upset, because “Young...
frootloopfission asked: what sort of artwork adorns the walls of your half lazy half industrious home?
A Separate Peace, John Knowles
I remember that this was awful.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS FOR AP ENGLISH:
Is it actually awful?
Was one of the protagonists really named Phineas?
If your name was Phineas, wouldn’t you go by Finn, not Finny?
Why do people still send their children to date-rapey prep schools when we have all this literature about them?
Why do we assign horrible bildungsromans to high schoolers, at a time...
Public Service Announcement 2
Sitting in a Utah ski lodge at lunch with your husband and a female friend, and saying super loudly ‘I hope Third Wife remembered to buy groceries’ also plays badly, but is Sooooo Worth It.
Public Service Announcement
Screeching into the lift line and screaming: ‘I AM THE BRUNETTE LINDSEY VONN, BITCHES!’ doesn’t play well in Utah. Especially if you promptly faceplant.
“You know, they tried to silence Lenny Bruce when he made obscene Sorting Hat...”
– Me, just now, to my critics.
Rats: Observations on The History and Habitat of...
I feel a tremendous kinship with Dennis, Liz Lemon’s terrible boyfriend, because we were exactly the same person for a month after I finished this disgusting, fascinating excuse for a book. I just wandered around telling people how many rats had probably walked across their face while they were sleeping, and how rats had certainly mated in their coffee, and how Rat Kings roam the dumpsters...
“I am not, really, the sort of blog that talks about the Harry Potter movies, so...”
– Me, just now
(How about you re-blog this a lot, and we can see if people get super weirded out? Just a thought.)
An Avonlea Conundrum
One of my most cherished and probably classically beautiful readers has emailed me to put forth the claim that Anne Shirley would be a Ravenclaw.
But I, in this instance, feel that she is more likely a Hufflepuff (Diana is a Squib), and Emily Starr is a Ravenclaw. Dean Priest is a Slytherin, obviously, and valiant Ilse a Gryffindor.
Edit for alabama-arkansas: Gilbert doesn’t exist. He...
I know you're already reading "Hyperbole and a... →
Like, seriously. The best thing.
Witch Week, Diana Wynne Jones
YOU ARE ABOUT TO SAY TO ME, HEY, LAZY REVIEWER, THAT’S JUST A RANDOM BOOK IN THE MIDDLE OF HER CHRESTOMANCI SERIES.
And you’re right. But I haven’t read the others. I have read “Witch Week.”
“Witch Week” is off-the-hook. “Witch Week” is a shirtless, damp Christopher Meloni. “Witch Week” is World Series tickets. ...
All The Songs
Songs My Boyfriend Knows All the Words To That Cause Me to Question His Attitude Toward Commitment
“Free Bird”
“Desperado”
“Gimme Three Steps”
“Take the Money and Run”
“Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Man”
“We’ve Got Tonight”
“On the Road Again”
“Born to Run”
“(I Can’t Get No)...
Projected Future of the Al Gore Franchise
Al Gore Al Gore, Jr. Al Gore III: Al Gore With a Vengeance Al Gore IV: Live Free or Al Gore
(Part of the ongoing “Not Good Enough For Those Snooty Hipsters At McSweeney’s” collection)
The Logical Progression of the 'An American Tail'...
(1800s) An American Tail An American Tail: Fievel Goes West (1900s) An American Tail: Fievel Tries To Get Out Of The City On Long Weekends, But Who Wants To Spend Eight Hours on the BQE? An American Tail: Fievel Moves To Westchester, Gets a Riding Lawnmower An American Tail: Fievel Takes The Entire Family To Palm Beach For Two Weeks In The Winter, Even His Useless Brother-In-Law An American Tail:...
“It makes me sad when I am SO FUNNY on a Sunday, and know that very few people...”
– Me, just now.
(There’s nothing really good in “Weddings and Celebrations” this weekend, I swear.)
onemanbandstand asked: Could you do some Pynchon? Mason & Dixon would be great but I shant be picky.
peterwsetter asked: Dear Lazy,
In your expert opinion, what 2010 fiction is worth reading? I made a point of reading this year's hyped books and would like to know if I missed anything.
Novels I read: Freedom by Franzen (book of the year), Mr Peanut by Ross (good first novel, though flawed), C by Tom McCarthy, Super Sad True Love Story by Sheyngart (over-rated), The Imperfectionists...
In your expert opinion, what 2010 fiction is worth reading? I made a point of reading this year's hyped books and would like to know if I missed anything.
Novels I read: Freedom by Franzen (book of the year), Mr Peanut by Ross (good first novel, though flawed), C by Tom McCarthy, Super Sad True Love Story by Sheyngart (over-rated), The Imperfectionists...
Jesus' Son: Stories, Denis Johnson
Okay, yeah. I’m going to keep this simple for you. Denis Johnson is a genius, this collection is perfection, and is probably why I just putz around writing lazy book reviews because what is the point? What is the point of writing things which aren’t “Jesus’ Son”?
You should read it. Then you should wait fifteen years, like the rest of us had to, and then you...
Cat People, Michael Korda
Michael Korda writes really unnecessary books.
(I say this with love, as I own them.)
But Michael Korda spent many decades running Simon and Schuster, and therefore, when Michael Korda felt like writing a book, it was getting published.
DISCLAIMER SO MICHAEL KORDA DOESN’T COME AFTER ME: Uh, the one about the Battle of Britain is fine, ditto the Lawrence of Arabia bio, and so was the...
shatnerhub asked: So speaking of horses, my 6 yr old daughter is becoming quite the horse enthusiast, after 8 half-day horse camp visits this summer and a once weekly episode of The Saddle Club. Any suggestions for good horse literature for her? I got her 2 random Saddle Club books at the Friends of the Library book sale, but that's about the extent of her horse library so far.
Love and kisses,...
Love and kisses,...
“The first rule of Winning-A-Fight Club: do not debate Christopher Hitchens. ...”
– Me, just now.
blily asked: How do you feel about Annie Proulx? She has a thing in this month's Harpers about the birds at her Wyoming ranch, and somehow it's interesting and wonderful. Even though it's honestly just -- "and then a this kind of bird built a nest. And then a that kind of bird practiced flying."
Oh, and any thoughts on Jane Smiley? I sure loved 1000 Acres and Moo, but...
Oh, and any thoughts on Jane Smiley? I sure loved 1000 Acres and Moo, but...
