November 2011
The Baby Has A Cold
Which is sending her into a complete existential tailspin, as, being an extremely placid baby, her only two previous states were “Hungry” and “Not-Hungry,” in which “Hungry” makes her sad, and “Not-Hungry” makes her happy.
So now, obviously, she is congested and miserable, so she assumes she must be “Hungry,” and whimpers to nurse....
Sunday, Dec. 4th.
I’ll be (literally) back in the saddle! I’ve been waiting until my six-week checkup to ride my mare again, since (potentially) OWWW, and also she’s at her winter facility, which is an hour-long drive each way.
I absolutely can’t wait, even though I’m going to look like a sack of potatoes until I get my seat (and abs!) back. Of course, since my trainer has been...
Happy American Thanksgiving Eve*!
May your food be butter-rich, your wine full-bodied, and your elderly relatives non-judgmental. And may your reading material be non-demanding and deliciously diverting. I, myself, am re-reading Christopher Buckley’s Losing Mum and Pup, while being fed like Jabba the Hut by my dear friend, Anna.
Love you all, imaginary internet friends.
*The actual holiday celebrates genocide, so...
WatchOverly Specific Meme: Puzzled Babies in Extra-Large Rompers Listening to Robyn
philk asked: If you don't feel like biting them, you can always use a nail file. It's worked for us.
Is It Classist That I Hate Rose Tyler?
Like, ‘oh, he should prefer Martha Jones because she’s a medical student, and Rose is a useless chav who works in a shop’?
It’s just, you know, after nine hundred years, do you really need a dippy blonde ingenue?
Martha is just as hot (probably hotter), smarter, does far fewer stupid things, and her family is bearable, as opposed to Rose’s horrid mother and only...
I've Given It Way Too Much Thought
But, in case a genie (or a fucked-up monkey hand) offers you three wishes, there is only one correct answer (by correct, I mean ideal, and also relatively disaster-free):
1. For Felix Felicis to be real.
2. To have a lifetime supply of Felix Felicis.
3. To look pretty in candid pictures taken at parties.*
*If this one is less important to you, because you’re, whatever, Edith Zimmerman,...
In Further Accounts Of Excessively...
When things get messy, it’s very hard NOT to say: ‘It’s everywhere! It’s in her raccoon wounds!’
Can I Be Super Honest With You?
I thought I loved Twilight ironically, but, gauging my level of excitement over seeing Breaking Dawn, and thinking realistically about how often I’ve read the (very poorly-written) books, and after this, and in light of the fact I named my horse “Bella,” and considering my theory that Stephenie Meyer may be secretly intending to write teen BDSM fiction…
I think I may...
I Would Be The Worst 'Doctor Who' Companion Ever
(Except for Rose Tyler YEAH I WENT THERE.)
…because every single episode, I’d be all ‘this is scary! Let’s leave these people to their deaths, get back in the TARDIS, and go sit next to Jane Austen at a party. Or Edith Wharton, whatever.’
Do You Remember That Episode of 30 Rock?
Where Liz Lemon thinks about quitting her job to hang out with the jobless trophy wives, because it’s so much fun? And Jack warns her not to, because unlimited free time breaks your pleasure center?
And she says he’s wrong? And then it turns out the trophy wives have an elaborate fight club to stave off insanity? Or something like that?
It’s kinda true. I haven’t worked...
WatchAbout to move from quiet-alert time to severe-agitation.
I Think Not
Baby: ‘Mom, I have a great idea!’
Lazy: ‘What is it, my precious lamb?’
Baby: ‘You know how I cry, and you feed me, and then when I’m done eating, you gingerly remove your nipple from my mouth, and then ooze away from me like Tobias Funke when he thought Maggie was blind?’
Lazy: ‘Wow, you have great pop culture references for such a small...
The Best Part of The Surprisingly Positive NYTimes...
THIS:
As Jacob, Edward’s long-suffering, oft-rejected rival for Bella’s affection, Mr. Lautner has plenty of reasons to strip angry: he can turn into a wolf, for starters, and Jacob’s musculature has long been one of the most special of the movies’ effects. That’s reason enough for Mr. Condon to get the character’s shirt off, as is the unavoidable truth that Mr. Lautner, whose pumped...
Great News!
Contrary to what you may have heard in judgey comment sections and in the wider culture, it is entirely possible to be just as happily self-absorbed after having a baby, if you are really really committed to it! You don’t have to magically transform into a better person after all. Promise.
Which is why I’m leaving her with her dad for an evening next week so I can go see Breaking...
On Lauren Bush-Lauren's Name
Okay, this is where the buck stops on name-changing, for me. I’m willing to hear you out with your “I hate my dad” and your “I always hated my last name” and your “I just love the way it sounnnnnnds,” but I think we can all agree that Lauren Bush-Lauren has changed her name because she loves the Patriarchy, as there can be no possible other explanation for...
So, I Actually Kind Of Love Lauren Bush's Weird...
…pics in Vogue, but it’s more than a little disturbing to me that she decided to marry James Spader channeling a 1980s John Hughes villain, no?
Huzzah!
Five hours until I next breastfeed baby. Time for an extremely generous glass of a very nice red wine, and some Doctor Who.
Exorbitant amounts of maternal guilt aside, this nighttime dose of supplemental formula really does wonders for my mental health.
It’s funny, really. I assumed I would have to butch up and push through nipple pain and sleeplessness, but there’s nothing more...
Grrr!
You think you’re so original, wanting a T-shirt that says ‘The Angels Have The Phone Box,’ and then it turns out that there are Doctor Who geeks rocking them all over the internet.
Important.
Industrious: What else do you want from Whole Foods?
Lazy: A cookie. A non-vegan cookie. ASK, because sometimes cookies there are randomly vegan and/or gluten free. Oatmeal is okay if there are chocolate chips. But no raisins. Check carefully! Peanut butter is good. Peanut butter and chocolate chip is better. If you find an oatmeal-peanut-butter-chocolate chip NON-VEGAN AND TOTALLY GLUTENY...
Things You Hear Yourself Say And Instantly Regret
‘Does the ooogie baby want nom-noms?’
Yeah, sure glad someone (well, I guess the financial aid department) dropped forty-five gees a year so I could get an English degree from Harvard Fucking University.
I definitely used to know about the plays of John Webster. Definitely.
Yesterday, I tried to use the DVR remote to ‘pause’ the cat leaping in the air after a moth so...
Observation
The baby, when in good cheer, resembles Andy Serkis as Smeagol.
When not in good cheer, Andy Serkis as Gollum.
But adorably, of course.
I Usually Skip The Editor's Letter in Vanity Fair
I mean, I love Vanity Fair, but I don’t love it for random bitching about politics, I love it for society murders and Hitch and articles about super-yachts and excerpts from memoirs by the unimportant children of minor celebrities.
But in the Scarlett Johansson issue, which I am just now getting around to reading, Graydon Carter is reminiscing about Sue Mengers, the late agent/Hollywood...
On "Pride and Prejudice"
I was reminded of one of my favourite seminar discussions, in which we became quite agitated over the question of Mrs. Bennet’s BASIC CORRECTNESS.
We all love Mr. Bennet, naturally, because he’s cutting and delightful and adores Lizzy, but Mrs. Bennet is the only character in the entire novel who seems aware of the basic desperation of her family’s situation. Newsflash,...
How Best To Cope With Impending Separation From...
We’re loading up the Firth-Ehle Pride and Prejudice and high-fiving whenever we hear “Oh, MR BENNET!”
Ordinarily, we would take shots at that point, but I have only my large measuring cup of water-wine (that’s a small glass of red wine, mixed with thirty ounces of water).
(Shut up, I need to stay hydrated.)
My Mother Is Leaving Monday Morning
My water broke about six hours after her flight landed, four days before the baby’s due date. We think it was deliberate; the baby knew we had no freaking idea what we were doing.
She stayed for a whole month, which sounds longer than it is. We still don’t feel comfortable giving the baby a bath, and Mom acts like we’re doing her a massive favour when we say “oh, would you...
Baby Weight
I put on 43 pounds, LIKE A BOSS, lost about half the first week, the rest is slowwwwwly dribbling off.
And it’s great, because not having a baby in my belly has given me bizarro body dysmorphia, such that I see myself in the mirror and am all ‘why, hello, YOUNG AUDREY HEPBURN, what cigarette pants shall we wear for our stroll along the Seine?’
So I was all, let’s put on...
What This Story About The Ashkenazi Jews Living...
…do you remember, in Life of Brian, when the peasant is listening to the Sermon on the Mount, and Jesus says “blessed are the meek”?
Anyway, the peasant says, “well, I’m glad they’re getting something, because they have a hell of a time.”
Right on, Ashkenazi Jews! LIVE FOR FUCKING EVER AND TELL EVERYONE ELSE TO SUCK IT.
Come On, Bones!
It’s ALWAYS the minor character tangentially related to the victim, who we meet in the first ten minutes and seems totally normal and helpful. The nice forest ranger? The friendly estranged husband? The dad of the sister wives?
Always.
Whenever I Try To Feed Her From The Right Breast
She spits it out, and gives me this LOOK, like: ‘How dare you seat me, a Rockefeller, at a table near the kitchen?’
And I’m all, listen, if you want to eat every ten minutes, you need to be more open-minded about your options.
And it always coincides with our dog saying ‘in order to prove you still love me, I’ve decided to howl to be let in or out every six...
To Really Make Our Collective Heads Explode
They’d have to follow up the ‘Charlotte Doyle’ adaptation with:
- That book where the Revolutionary War era chick’s dad gets fatally tarred and feathered for being loyal to the king.
- That book where the chick works in the rug factory and gets scalped by the horrible pressing machine.
- Freaking ‘Witch of Blackbird Pond,’ right?
Be Still, My Heart
Apparently Pierce Brosnan periodically mentions they’re working on a film adaptation of (brace yourselves, former tweeners) ‘The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle’ with him as the captain, Saoirse Ronan as Charlotte, and Morgan Freeman as Zachariah.
Squeeeeee.
Who's Got Two Thumbs And Is Excited To Watch UFC...
THIS GIRL.
No, I really really really love MMA. I do.
Even if I hate the organizers. And 70+% of the fans. And all of the merchandise.
Okay, but I love Georges St-Pierre. And all the super-bloody preliminary bouts they show before the headliners.
I don’t have a large preference between Dos Santos and Velasquez, and it promises to be a potentially extremely short fight, but it’s FOR...
So, I've Always Had A Thing For Warren Beatty
…because, honestly, there’s something so endearing about someone who clearly loves women. He’s not just a straight-up womanizer, you know?
So I completely swooned over this detail from Diane Keaton’s memoir (adore her!):
12. More on Beatty: “He was romantic and very kind.” He surprised her at the airport and held her hand through a cross-country flight she...
Seriously Considering...
Purchasing a baby-leakage-proof (NSFW) king-size rubber fitted sheet for our bed…from the gay leather-wear purveyor my friend works for.
I just have to imagine that Nasty Pig makes a more high-quality product (that’s prepared to deal with substantially greater spillage) than Babies R Us, you know?
…
Less floral patterning options, admittedly.
Go Read Edith Zimmerman's Hilarious Piece on...
…right now.
I would excerpt the whole thing, but then the Sulzbergers would come after me, so I’ll just stick to this:
Unlike in generations past, when (I imagine) you just kept doing what you and your same-aged friends did, and aged into obscurity in comfort on a cloud of your own tastes and generational inclinations, until you died either thinking you all were still the coolest...
Joe Paterno's Firing
Between my complete lack of interest in college athletics (well, actually, based on what we’re learning about long-term brain trauma, I would support massive revisions to how football is played in general), and my delight that there might actually be SANCTIONS for not calling the cops after one of your employees is seen raping a child by an entirely disinterested third party, I’m...
When It Comes To Breakfast, Variety Is Not The...
This morning, downing a full-fat Greek yogurt with a banana sliced into it, for the thousandth day in a row, I was reminded of that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where Picard and Dr. Crusher are briefly joined telepathically, and she hears him say “ugh, I hate that” when the topic of their regular breakfast dates comes up.
Because, right, she’s been ordering weirdo...
rionner asked: Lazy, your recent post about Gov. Rick Perry inspired me to ask you your opinion on Gov. Gary Johnson, the true underdog in media coverage for the 2012 Presidential campaign. You may or may not align with him, but I wonder how you react to his policies and ideas for this country - should he surprise everyone and actually make it onto the ticket.
“I ran into a lady in the supermarket in Florida. Old lady. There’re lot of old...”
– Stephen King, in the WSJ
Way Harsh, Tai.
Okay, now I feel better about not-loving the new Joan Didion. From the New York Times’ review of eleven year-old Jackie Evancho’s performance at Avery Fisher Hall:
This concert was her first in New York as a headliner, and singing into a microphone that barely rose to her conductor’s chest, she stuck close to her already familiar mix of opera lite, show tunes and melodramatic ...
Must-Read of the Day
My Parents Were Home-Schooling Anarchists, in the New York Times Magazine. I like her air of amused acceptance of the path they took. This, however, on their return to traditional education, gave me sympathetic chills:
One early September morning, our parents dropped us off in front of our respective schools. They didn’t walk us into the building. They didn’t introduce us to our new teachers....
Blue Nights, Joan Didion
I do not think it shares the quality of her previous works of non-fiction. It is not, however, the sort of book it seems appropriate to critique, so I have no interest in attempting it.
I will say that the great achievement of ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ was Didion’s ability to make her grief understandable to readers, and the language of ‘Blue Nights’ no longer...
