January 2012
The Only Real Problem With the New Season of 30...
Alec Baldwin’s new hair dye. Reddish? All wrong for his skin tone. He should have a classic salt-and-pepper look.
Am I The Only One?
Who assumed that Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole was a fictional movie created purely for that 30 Rock episode where Liz and Carol break up?
Because, not only is it completely real, it has the single most complex plot of any movie I’ve ever seen summarized on Wikipedia.
A small excerpt from the SECOND PARAGRAPH of said summary:
There, Soren meets an Elf Owl named...
What Can You Do?
As a ridiculously over-sensitive child, I vowed that I would never expose my children to things that might irrationally sadden them and give them unjustifiable separation anxiety.
And then, of course, I’m puttering around the house this morning with her in the Ergo (she’s only now tolerating being in a baby carrier, which Dr. Sears PROMISED all babies loved, but Dr. Sears is totally...
Portlandia
Sometimes I have to stop watching endless clips of Portlandia and go read the Economist, because I’m afraid I’m right on the verge of going to clowning school and getting ear gauges. Not necessarily in that order.
I also can’t decide if the Obama ad that accompanies the end of several of the clips is good use of campaign funds or not. On one hand, people who watch Portlandia...
No, Seriously Though, About X-Men First Class
(spoiiiiiiiiilers)
I was completely terrified, the whole movie, that they wouldn’t let Magneto waste Kevin Bacon. That he’d decide to show him mercy, or Charles would talk him down. The idea was so offensive to me. I wanted the sword of righteous vengeance to fall. And so I was very pleasantly surprised that it went down the way it did. Perfect wish fulfillment.
I guess I knew, based...
X-Men First Class
Seriously, is there anyone who doesn’t root for Magneto? He’s right, the humans are bent on destroying you, and Kevin Bacon needs to pay for his crimes.
Team Magneto. Always, Team Magneto.
Super Bowl
Looks like it’s the Giant Douche vs. the Turd Sandwich. Again, not like I care. I’m a baseball woman! And, you know, an equestrian woman. And a women’s figure skating woman.
Or Top Chef. Whatever. I like sports.
Giants/49ers
For a sport I do not like or understand or support, this is extremely stressful.
“In the early years of the 20th century, California laws against fellatio and...”
– And they claim the study of linguistics is dull.
Sorry About 'Big Love' Spoilers!
It aired in March, and I felt like I was bombarded with spoilers all year, so I thought it was safe. But it wasn’t! FORGETMENOWS for everyone.
RIP Sarah Burke
A really talented young Canadian athlete has died after her accident up in Park City last week. Be careful out there, kids.
The Shit Nouns Say To Other Nouns Meme
I can’t do it. I do not have time or emotional bandwith for another meme. I just watch too much TV, you know? I have too many magazine subscriptions. I re-read too much YA fiction. I skipped Feminist Ryan Gosling! If I skipped Feminist Ryan Gosling, I am not making time for Shit Hamsters Say to Guinea Pigs.
Ice Skating: The Existential Horror
I have a tremendous phobia of skating. Why don’t you? Why don’t people wear helmets! People practically wear helmets to jog and brush their teeth now, I don’t understand why it hasn’t filtered down to teetering precariously on hard ice on thin metal blades.
And what if someone slices your fingers off? Have you given that ANY thought? Because I literally think of nothing...
Finally Watching the Last Season of "Big Love"
…and it’s reminding me of how good the show was at its best. Once you got past the initial MAN HAS SEX WITH THREE LADIES ZOMG PLEASE WATCH SHOW stuff of the first few episodes, and ignoring the wackadoodle fertility treatment stuff in Season Four, there was so much to admire.
I always got a kick out of it as a non-LDS Utahn, of course - the show had tons of little nods to the complete...
The Woman in Black
Look, I watched the original, and it scared the ever-loving shit out of me, and even now, if I think about it before bed, it’s…kind of a problem.
So there’s literally zero chance of me watching a remake that might have better production values.
I like you, Daniel Radcliffe, and I don’t want to see you in a state of terror.
IMPORTANT DUNE NEWS
One of our favourite readers, Sammy, has contacted me to share his latest, Dune-inspired musical offering, which I love.
Go listen at ONCE.
Clan of the Cave Bear: Classic Trash Style →
You know you want to.
The First Casualty of the Wiki Blackout
Having just learned that female hyenas have phalli and give birth through their clits, I have been prevented from spending the next two hours avidly absorbing information about the horrors of various forms of atypical mating rituals.
But, you know, all in a good cause.
Clint Eastwood in "The Gauntlet"
He seems to have been a real dick to his co-star, but this movie is some serious 1970s classic cool. And her outfit! She’s got this midriff-y green button-down top, slightly high-waisted stretchy jeans that lace up her butt, and she looks unbelievably great. And to think, in just a few years, fashion and makeup became a horrible scorched-earth wasteland.
1977 was an incredible year for...
Sorry, American Association of Pediatricians
Much like Kenneth from 30 Rock, my baby appears to love only two things: everyone, and television.
Especially football.
Horses and Stuff
I had a lovely ride on Bella this morning. Lovely. She was fantastic, and I was cheating my ass off by…putting my ass in my extremely nice Italian dressage saddle which corrects my posture and forces me to use my upper leg correctly. #whitepeoplesolutions
And, again, it was lovely. We worked through a problem:
Bella - Oh, mom, don’t worry, or anything, but I think there are some cave...
A Serious Suggestion
At all New York weddings, in lieu of Corinthians, there should be a brief staged re-enactment of the scene from “When Harry Met Sally” where Carrie Fisher and Bruno Kirby are in bed together, having just taken the disastrous phone calls from an overly-analytical post-coital H&S.
Carrie Fisher: God!
Bruno Kirby: I know.
Carrie Fisher: Tell me I’ll never have to be out there...
Nice One, Lazy.
We have a kick-ass adaptive skier (double amputee due to train accident) staying with us for a few days while he trains up in Park City for the X-Games, and, as I always do with ski guests, I hollered after him this morning “HAVE FUN AND BE CAREFUL,” and he busted a gut laughing at me. “Like, what, am I gonna blow out my knees?”
He’s also expressed gratitude that he...
Hairpinning Is Happening
You can read what I have to say about falcons, English accents being new, Johnny Depp, and, later today, Downton Abbey.
Oh, and other people write things too. Like the dynamite piece on Natalie Wood. Get over there!
I Know It's Probably Not Possible
…but my baby swing has a weird medley of tinny instrumental songs, and one of them is absolutely the hook from “Fight Fiercely Harvard” by Tom Lehrer.
And any IQ-building benefit from seeding the Ivy League love early is probably being cancelled out by the fact she’s watching Grey’s Anatomy with me at the same time.
Meredith is duking it out with Carrie Bradshaw for...
The Question of Taking Pictures of Yourself in the...
It’s wrong, I know that. I know that we should instead feature pleasant candid pictures of us taken at parties touching chins with our female friends.
But, hear me out, I apparently cannot smile or not-smile like a normal person when someone takes a picture of me. My upper lip disappears into my nose, my forehead recedes into the ceiling, and I look like I’ve just gotten off a...
This Piece in "The Believer" is Interesting →
I know we’re mostly over “people are mean online” (GOD, Katie Roiphe), but I enjoyed Megan Daum’s account just the same.
Ethics v. Morals
I can’t even see a commenter bring up a distinction between the two without hearing Matthew Broderick in “Election,” one of the greatest movies of our or any age.
Also, please do not accidentally kill me with bird flu, scientists. I plan on dying at the age of 112, in my rocket-bed, after having my life expensively prolonged over the wishes of my wearied family, who are growing...
Downton Abbey Meltdown
I went on a complete expletive-laden rant about our local PBS affiliate (beamed out of BYU) not running ‘Downton Abbey,’ which involved a lot of FUCKING MORMONS NEED THEIR LAWRENCE WELK IT SEEMS and UTAH SUCKS, and WHY DO WE STILL LIVE HERE / IN THIS REPULSIVE TOWN / ALL OUR FRIENDS ARE IN NEW YORK.
And then realized that the search function on Direct TV just has it listed under...
Ow.
Took a nice tumble off my mare this morning (oversteered her at the canter while avoiding a pole, veered towards mounting block, we parted ways abruptly.)
Now, she’d never lost a rider before, so she immediately screeched to a halt and stared at me in shock (why Mom on ground?) Good girl. She was extremely confused about the whole experience, but was very well-behaved when I remounted.
I...
The Other Thing I Did Today
I have only one pitiful talent, and that talent is assembling basic assembly-required furniture. I am awesome at it. Call me, I will show up with a Phillips head and a wrench and a smile. (Also with clothes, I’m not a porno handyperson.)
And, unbelievably sweetly, my favourite ex-gambling addict, Vietnam veteran, cancer survivor cabbie, who patiently lugged me everywhere until I finally...
Unwilling Beef Bourguignon
…that’s what it’s called when your good-sleeping baby decides out of nowhere to get up and play with you four times in the middle of the night, and then you realize you have three pounds of thawed chuck roast you’ve cubed that MUST be used today, and you grudgingly begin assembling a fucking bouquet garni while zombie-eyed and coffee-fueled.
I hate you, pearl onions! ...
“Like, instead of the Daily Mail Headline Generator, you could have for xoJane:...”
– My bestie, after sensibly refusing to read this.
Thirty Seconds After Hitting "Publish"
…on my piece about the evil and capricious nature of any true interventionist deity, one of my Facebook friends posted a story about a corgi surviving the avalanche killing his owner with the comment: “it’s a miracle!”
if you’re keeping score…
God loves: corgis, the Denver Broncos, pieces of toast with Jesus on them, me! (healthy, rich, fertile, living in the...
Rick Santorum and Shalom Auslander
This morning, I read the New York Times’ curiously puffy piece on everyone’s favourite frothy mixture. And, usually, I would respond by pointing out that Santorum is not merely reactionary, but medieval. That he opposes any and all forms of “unnatural” birth control. That he is comfortable equating gay sex to bestiality. That his own son’s story - a dying fetus...
Go Play With 'Classic Trash' →
It’s time for some teen witches, courtesy of ‘The Secret Circle.’
“There’s a lethal amount of fat in guacamole,” he went on. “A friend of mine was...”
– Simon Doonan, being interviewed about his new book “Gay Men Don’t Get Fat,” and suggesting that he and I have vastly different priorities.
Mark Your Calendars!
I’m guest-editing over at The Hairpin from January 12-16 while Jane is on vacation being gorgeous and knowing things about where to buy clothes and how to put them together in a way that looks good. And how to apply eyeliner without looking like Malcolm McDowell.
I don’t know how to do those things, but I DO know a lot about Doctor Who. What else should we talk about, thoughts?
The Millions' Round-Up of 2012's Most Anticipated...
To be brutally honest, I always look at these lists and brace myself. “Please God,” I say. “Do not let any of these books be by people I went to college with. And if that’s too much to ask, let them not have been in creative writing workshops with me.”
So I held my breath while scanning, and was SO CLOSE TO MAKING IT OUT ALIVE, and then I saw that my college...
“My God, there have been more tears shed on reality TV than by all the war-widows...”
– John Jeremiah Sullivan, quoted by James Wood in the New Yorker
