Lazy Self-Indulgent Book Reviews

Alec Baldwin’s new hair dye. Reddish? All wrong for his skin tone. He should have a classic salt-and-pepper look.

Who assumed that Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole was a fictional movie created purely for that 30 Rock episode where Liz and Carol break up?

Because, not only is it completely real, it has the single most complex plot of any movie I’ve ever seen summarized on Wikipedia.

A small excerpt from the SECOND PARAGRAPH of said summary:

There, Soren meets an Elf Owl named Gylfie (Emily Barclay) and her captor, a Boreal Owl named Grimble. Nyra (Helen Mirren), second-in-command of the Pure Ones and wife of Metal Beak, claims that the owlets are now the Pure Ones’ slaves. Soren and Gylfie protest and are sent to be pickers. Kludd denies his brother and goes away to be a soldier with other selected owls. They are tutored by Nyra in the ways of the Pure Ones, who believe that Tyto owls (barn owls and their relatives) are the strongest owls and that they have the right to rule the owl kingdoms. Meanwhile, The other captured owls are forced to sleep under the full moon, which causes “moon-blinking”, a trance-like state. Soren and Gylfie manage to stay awake so they will not be moon-blinked. They are brought to a large cavern to pick through owl pellets for small metal flecks, which causes excruciating pain in owls gizzards.

As a ridiculously over-sensitive child, I vowed that I would never expose my children to things that might irrationally sadden them and give them unjustifiable separation anxiety.

And then, of course, I’m puttering around the house this morning with her in the Ergo (she’s only now tolerating being in a baby carrier, which Dr. Sears PROMISED all babies loved, but Dr. Sears is totally full of shit), and warbling to her, and WHAT ALBUM do I find myself reflexively singing?

The Freaking Joan Baez Ballad Book. The bane of my young existence.

Let’s review some highlights, shall we?

Old Blue - Your beloved dog dies, leaving you, and you’re sad.

Fare Thee Well - Your lover leaves you, but will apparently come back, if you believe that.

The Trees They Do Grow High - Your weird younger husband dies, leaving you, and you’re sad.

All My Trials - YOUR MOTHER DIES, LEAVING YOU, AND YOU’RE SAD.

Wagoner’s Lad - Your boyfriend is dissed by your parents, because he’s poor, so he’s leaving you, and you’re sad.

The House Carpenter - You ill-advisedly abandon your husband and child for your demon lover, and you die, leaving them forever.

Now. How, exactly, am I to ensure she doesn’t grow up terrified of being left alone?  Honestly. I might as well gas up the car to prematurely retrieve her from sleepovers sooner, rather than later.

Sometimes I have to stop watching endless clips of Portlandia and go read the Economist, because I’m afraid I’m right on the verge of going to clowning school and getting ear gauges. Not necessarily in that order.

I also can’t decide if the Obama ad that accompanies the end of several of the clips is good use of campaign funds or not. On one hand, people who watch Portlandia might conceivably forget to vote, but I am almost certain that no one who has ever completed a full episode has ever considered pulling a lever for a Republican candidate in so much as a municipal by-election or a school board run-off.

(spoiiiiiiiiilers)

I was completely terrified, the whole movie, that they wouldn’t let Magneto waste Kevin Bacon. That he’d decide to show him mercy, or Charles would talk him down. The idea was so offensive to me. I wanted the sword of righteous vengeance to fall. And so I was very pleasantly surprised that it went down the way it did. Perfect wish fulfillment.

I guess I knew, based on the character, that Magneto would do it, but I objected to the very notion that it might not be totally justified and GOOD to drill a coin through the forehead of the Nazi who shot your mom to motivate you.

I don’t support the death penalty, I just support Michael Fassbender Killing His Enemies.

Seriously, is there anyone who doesn’t root for Magneto? He’s right, the humans are bent on destroying you, and Kevin Bacon needs to pay for his crimes.

Team Magneto. Always, Team Magneto.

Looks like it’s the Giant Douche vs. the Turd Sandwich. Again, not like I care. I’m a baseball woman! And, you know, an equestrian woman. And a women’s figure skating woman.

Or Top Chef. Whatever. I like sports.

For a sport I do not like or understand or support, this is extremely stressful.

It aired in March, and I felt like I was bombarded with spoilers all year, so I thought it was safe. But it wasn’t! FORGETMENOWS for everyone.

A really talented young Canadian athlete has died after her accident up in Park City last week. Be careful out there, kids.

I can’t do it. I do not have time or emotional bandwith for another meme. I just watch too much TV, you know? I have too many magazine subscriptions. I re-read too much YA fiction. I skipped Feminist Ryan Gosling! If I skipped Feminist Ryan Gosling, I am not making time for Shit Hamsters Say to Guinea Pigs.

I have a tremendous phobia of skating. Why don’t you? Why don’t people wear helmets! People practically wear helmets to jog and brush their teeth now, I don’t understand why it hasn’t filtered down to teetering precariously on hard ice on thin metal blades.

And what if someone slices your fingers off? Have you given that ANY thought? Because I literally think of nothing else when I see people ice skating. Klutzy hordes of children, helmet-less, acting like they’re on a Slip ‘n Slide, narrowly missing the 30% of the skating population who are lying prostrate on the ice at any given time BECAUSE IT’S MADE OF ICE.

It’s cold, and the skates are painful, and you can’t lace them up unless you take off your gloves, and then your fingers freeze, and people bump into you, and there’s no room, and you can’t stop unless you run into the wall, or you CAN stop, and then you make these terrifying hockey-stops in front of people who can’t stop, who then feel colder and more inadequate.

And what if you’re REALLY good? What if you’re amazing, and you compete, and you’re an Olympian, and then, one day, your partner SLICES YOU ACROSS THE FACE, because that can happen! It has happened! ON VIDEO. And then both of you wind up in PTSD therapy for a year.

No. I won’t do it. I will not do it. You can make hot chocolate at home, you know. You don’t need an excuse. Just load up a movie and make some hot chocolate.

…and it’s reminding me of how good the show was at its best. Once you got past the initial MAN HAS SEX WITH THREE LADIES ZOMG PLEASE WATCH SHOW stuff of the first few episodes, and ignoring the wackadoodle fertility treatment stuff in Season Four, there was so much to admire.

I always got a kick out of it as a non-LDS Utahn, of course - the show had tons of little nods to the complete insular oddness of Utah, especially Sandy, where we and the Henricksons hang our hats.

But Barb, you know, is really something special. Barb and her mother. I think Jeanne Tripplehorn should have received more attention for how good she was in the role. Not to mention Harry Dean Stanton and Grace Zabriskie.

Look, I watched the original, and it scared the ever-loving shit out of me, and even now, if I think about it before bed, it’s…kind of a problem.

So there’s literally zero chance of me watching a remake that might have better production values.

I like you, Daniel Radcliffe, and I don’t want to see you in a state of terror.

One of our favourite readers, Sammy, has contacted me to share his latest, Dune-inspired musical offering, which I love.

Go listen at ONCE.

Having just learned that female hyenas have phalli and give birth through their clits, I have been prevented from spending the next two hours avidly absorbing information about the horrors of various forms of atypical mating rituals.

But, you know, all in a good cause.

He seems to have been a real dick to his co-star, but this movie is some serious 1970s classic cool. And her outfit! She’s got this midriff-y green button-down top, slightly high-waisted stretchy jeans that lace up her butt, and she looks unbelievably great. And to think, in just a few years, fashion and makeup became a horrible scorched-earth wasteland.

1977 was an incredible year for film, y’know? The first Star Wars movie, Annie Hall, Smokey and the Bandit…Pete’s Dragon (that one might just be me.)