Lazy Self-Indulgent Book Reviews

And I ran and grabbed the baby so she could watch Rutger Hauer’s I’VE SEEN THINGS YOU PEOPLE WOULDN’T BELIEVE scene for the first time, because I have a serious Blade Runner complex, only to discover that it’s the horrible, non-Director’s Cut variant with the ridiculous, corny happy ending and the awful voiceovers.

Look. Rachel’s gonna die, Gaff knows his dreams because Ford’s a replicant, the elevator doors close, we hear “she won’t live, but then, who does?” FADE TO BLACK. That’s all I want.

So, of course I went to see The Hunger Games last night. And it was great. But, having very strong views on Male Beauty, I was all “whaaaat Peeta?  No. Gale is so much hotter than you!”

Because, you know, it’s important to force rank the eye candy in movies designed for teenagers.

But, anyway, I was all “Gale! Team Gale!”

And then, even though I always know everything about people on screen, I went home and Googled the young man in question.

WHO IS, OF COURSE, Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend/possible fiance.  And the brother of the hot guy from Thor.

This never happens to me!  I know ALL THE THINGS.

In other news, I got a very sheepish phone call from Industrious Husband this morning.

Industrious: Heeeeeey.

Lazy (this is not our first time at the rodeo, clearly):  How badly are you hurt?

Industrious: ….nothing that won’t heal. Can you come get me at the American Fork Hospital emergency room?

Lazy: …yeah.

Long story short, road bike accident, Grade Three separated shoulder, dislocated finger. He’ll be fine, and the baby enjoyed getting to go see Daddy randomly.

David Blight, over at Slate, talks about a personal favourite. Also a personal favourite? Blight’s own Race and Reunion: The Civil War in American Memory.

I’ve been watching “Game of Thrones.” What is the WHAT? This shit is wild!

Also, as I was saying to a friend, it’s causing me to realize that I have no morals, and would only want to survive and be rich, and would be perfectly happy to see Joffrey on the throne if my kid was going to marry the little nitwit.  And Industrious is very honor-focused, so I’m hoping we never have to weather dynastic struggles together, because I might have to throw him under the bus.

EDIT: JUST WATCHED EPISODE NINE NEVER FUCKING MIND KILL THE LITTLE SHIT

Seriously.

A colleague noticed that I wear a lot of scarves. She told me a relative had given her an Hermès scarf that did not suit her, and she asked if I might get more use out of it. I was taken aback that someone I hardly know would offer me such an expensive gift, but I accepted it. Now it turns out the scarf is a fake. Should I return it to her and tell her the truth? I don’t want to cause trouble with the person who bought it, but I don’t want to feel indebted to someone who thinks she gave me a very expensive present. I wouldn’t care so much if she had not emphasized that it is an “Hermès.”NAME WITHHELD

I mean, I dislike “aren’t there more important things to be concerned with,” since I really passionately care about Doctor Who, but, Jesus, Name Withheld, get your shit together as a person.

Did everyone else know that the actor who plays Kenneth on 30 Rock is thirty-eight years old?

(Last year)

Lazy - I just love walking in this huge, massive empty lot by the creek. The trees! The grass! The mountains! And the dog loves it. Why does no one build here? It’s the best location for twenty miles!

Industrious - Who knows? Maybe they’re short of money to develop it.

(This morning)

Lazy - WHAT A DAY TO BE ALIVE AND OUT OF DOORS! WHY DOES NO ONE BUILD HERE?

Industrious (types into phone) - It…is an old Superfund site.

It was!  I slept in, because my mom is visiting and wants to do nothing except hold the baby and cook and clean and do laundry and then watch “30 Rock” with us so OKAY LADY THAT WORKS FOR ME.

I slept in, then I wrote two funny things, one of which will see the light of day (the other thing is a super-elaborate guide to committing the perfect murder, which…would have left me open to a civil suit).

Then I drove my car all the way to Morgan (an hour! on the freeway!) BY MYSELF (I’ve had my license for about a week), during which time no one seemed to suspect that I do not know how to drive.

At one point? I passed someone! They were too slow, and I PASSED THEM.

Then I got to the barn, and Bella was super chill. She was all “heyyyy, mom. You ever mix Xanax and red wine?”

Which was great, because I was taking a joint dressage lesson on her with my friend, and suddenly realized that it’s been over a year since I’ve been ON a horse in a dressage arena, because I spent my entire pregnancy just reading dressage tests for other competitors while being sweaty and itchy.

And we get in there, and it is awesome. She was awesome. And then we were done first, and I still wanted to watch, so I slid off and loosened her girth and undid her flash and dropped the reins, and she just put her nose on my shoulder and watched with me instead of wandering off, and was all “heyyyyy, mom, thanks for not using me as a couch.”

Then the drive back was equally low-stress, and it was sunny, and the only flaw in my ointment is that my bestie has to postpone her visit by a month because her family is visiting from Australia, which is totally legit.

Industrious didn’t really get the piece on PETA comments, because apparently, when all of your online time is spent on Telemark Tips and Teton Gravity Research, very few people reference “The Sexual Politics of Meat.”

That being said, I’d rather continue to get the free professional ski advice from him than engage on the question of quinoa.

Last time my mother was in town, we asked Industrious to pick up a bag of trail mix, as we are very lazy, and tend to toss a handful of it into salads (try it! The dried fruit and nut and seed kind is absolutely perfect in a spinach salad.)

Anyway, Industrious was on auto-pilot, as were we, so when we actually sat down to eat, the salad had an interesting flavor and texture.

Because it was studded with brown M&Ms.

…but this is me reminding everyone who reads the Hairpin to get out of their terrible relationship.

This absolutely means you.